How to Break Up the Right Way in Any Situation

SEPTEMBER 6, 2016 3:52 PM

Breaking up is never easy—even when you’re the one initiating the split. And, ifBachelor in Paradise has taught us anything, it’s that there are a bunch of different ways to cut ties with a person.

Licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?, says there are some universal rules to follow when it comes to ending a relationship: Don’t blindside your S.O., do it in a private place, answer questions honestly, and keep it classy.

But, above all, Durvasula says it’s important to tailor the breakup to the relationship. “There are many reasons for a relationship ending, and as such that will be associated with how you end it,” she says.

Since it’s not always easy to figure out the right way to go, we consulted relationship experts for their tips on how to break-up with someone, depending on the situation. Here’s their advice:

You’ve only been going out for a few months

Resist the urge to ghost your S.O. or string that person along. “That would be mean,” points out licensed psychotherapist Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together. Instead, it’s important to just say you’re not feeling it and move on. “Be graceful, bid them well, and be grateful that you didn't waste more time on something that wasn't working,” says Durvasula.

You’ve been together more than a year

If your partner is nice and you have mutual friends, Tessina says you should be prepared that you may lose some of them in the process. (But, she adds, “If [your partner's] a jerk, your true friends will probably cheer you on.”) Of course, that’s no reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t working, so just be honest and upfront about the fact that it’s not working. You’ll also probably have to answer more questions about what went wrong than if you were dating for less time, so be prepared.

You live together

How to break up with a live-in S.O. tends to require a bit more strategy and logistics. If you suspect that it’s not going to go over well, you may need to have another place to live already lined up (although the general rule is that whoever owns the place or holds the lease gets to stay). When it comes to your stuff, Durvasula recommends breaking up first and then figuring out who gets what. When you have the Talk, Tessina says it’s a good idea to cover what’s not working for you. “Don’t keep your grievances to yourself andthen suddenly blindside your S.O. with ‘I’m leaving you,’” she says. “Be fair and be nice.”

Something was said or done that pissed you off

It’s tough to be graceful in this kind of situation, but Durvasula says it’s important to keep your cool. “You don’t need to behave badly just because they did,” she says. Instead, she recommends keeping the breakup short and sweet. Say your goodbyes and, if that person really upset you, block the phone number and block that person on social media. “Tell them that you would prefer no more contact,” she says. “It’s healthier for you.”

You’re engaged

First, you have to end the relationship, which is pretty similar to what you’d do if you were living together, Durvasula says. Just avoid getting intense about money spent on the wedding. “The disappointments and humiliation of an ended engagement can bring out the worst in people,” she says. “But a broken engagement is still just a breakup with more bells and whistles.” If there was a ring, Tessina says you should return it: “That says everything.” If you know your S.O.’s family well and like them, Tessina says you can write a goodbye letter. But, if you do that, take the blame yourself. “You won’t look good if you use that occasion to slander your ex,” she points out. You can say something like, “Thank you for being so good to me. I care about you, but I’m afraid that this relationship has become impossible for me. I will miss you.”

You’ve fallen for someone else

It’s not ideal, but it happens—and Durvasula says it’s important to break things off with your former S.O. as early as you can before you go too far in the next relationship. Her advice: Don’t bring up the other person. “Just end your relationship and move onto the next chapter of your life,” she says. If your partner already knows you’re into someone else, Tessina says you shouldn’t defend yourself, since that will only make things worse. Instead, “apologize, and break it off as clearly as you can, without blaming your ex or making comparisons with the someone else.”

Even if your ex acts like a jerk about the whole thing, the experts say it's important to keep your composure—otherwise you both just come out looking bad. Then, move on with your life and be glad you can focus on whatever comes next.