The Truth About Christians, Divorce & Infidelity
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When I was growing up in Omaha, Nebraska in a staunch Missionary Baptist household, divorce was one of the “sins” that seemed to be lumped with the most non-pardonable ones: like adultery and homosexuality.
But what didn’t make sense to me was why so many believers, particularly pastor’s wives seemed to look past adultery to avoid divorce when it was clear in my bible that adultery was a legitimate reason to divorce.
SIDEBAR: Nor could I understand if homosexuality was so wrong, why were so many obvious homosexuals in the music department, risking condemnation. (That’s another post)
Even as a child I could pretty much discern who seemed to be stepping out on whom and who seemed to be putting up with what amounted to abuse, any way you looked at it. Nevertheless, you live, you grow and you learn to keep quiet about certain things. Like many of you #prophets and believers were taught, I also learned that once you’re married, technically divorce isn’t an option and shouldn’t be an option, for a husband and wife who loved God and his principles. Thus imagine the trauma that hit my spirit and soul when in 2008 my then husband of 14 years, who I thought loved God and family just as much as I did, called me across 1000 miles and said: “Honey I want a divorce!”
It hit me like a ton of bricks and for months I just couldn’t comprehend why or what was going on.
I couldn’t understand why counseling didn’t seem to be an option. Nor why we who had been ordained in ministry together couldn’t seem to agree to go to our spiritual leaders at the time for them to help us walk this through.
Nor could I even begin to comprehend that maybe just maybe, adultery had not just entered my home but the pulpit without me even knowing it.
I couldn’t fathom adultery was that easy to partake in, for a believer. No way I could imagine it that easy for a man of God.
Now, Not just one seemingly unpardonable sin but two, all of a sudden had interrupted my world.
Thanks to an unexpected phone call the truth about the adultery which triggered the divorce, came out.
Nevertheless, no matter how much I was willing to reconcile the relationship that I didn’t even know was severely broken, the father of my daughters, my college sweetheart and the husband who I had walked in ministry with for years, decided the lifestyle we had wasn’t a good fit anymore.
He didn’t want Jesus, ministry or “church” as much as I did.
And if adultery would get him a divorce, then so be it. By any means necessary. Even so, I still couldn’t quite figure out how I was going to explain this one to anyone; My daughters, my family, friends, colleagues, fellow ministers of the gospel just wouldn’t be able to understand.
No matter how many years I STOOD for restoration, this thing didn’t seem to be budging at all. Turns out, people really do have their own free will and no matter how many times I heard people say, it only takes one to STAND for the marriage, that just wasn’t my experience.
All of a sudden the friends I thought valued marriage as much as I did, didn’t seem to have anything to say.
The Bishops I thought would be able to help me through my pain and give insight, chose not to return phone calls or emails. The Apostles I called saying I needed prayer seemed to not be able to comprehend the type of healing and deliverance prayer I was desperately in need of after such a gut-wrenching experience.
It was as if, those trained to help everyone else through a crisis, couldn’t seem to provide it for me when I needed it most in the midst of my struggle of faith and theology.
Yet, I thank God for his unorthodox servants who were willing to press past my pain with me and help no matter what. YEARS ago to help others as I helped myself, I blogged a lot about my experience as a DIVORCED CHRISTIAN via: www.TheTruthAboutChristiansAndDivorce.com Along the way from then until now, here’s what I learned was the TRUTH whether others wanted to admit it or not:
1. Divorce can and will happen to anyone NO MATTER how much faith they have and no matter how much they want to remain married and many times when they least expect it due to someone else’s “WILL”
2. Divorce is like death. And just like death, you will experience the stages of grief.
3. Divorce in many circles of christendom is still “taboo”
4. Divorce Care for from LEADERS of FAITH who’ve never gone through it themselves is almost impossible for them to deliver counsel and care with dignity.
5. Divorce Care from LEADERS of FAITH who absolutely don’t believe in DIVORCE will most likely counsel with judgement rather than love and understanding.
6. Divorce Ramifications (ie: ministerial probation etc..) for the innocent spouse of one in ADULTERY has to be revisited so that he or she won’t feel scorned, mis-used, punished and used as an example even when they did all the right things according to their faith and in covenant with their God, yet DIVORCE still hit their home and pulpit.
7. Divorce Conversations regarding healing and wholeness after such a personal crisis have to be candidly addressed more from the pulpit so those in the pew won’t be tempted to allow death of marriage to cause death of destiny.
Those believers who are in the midst of divorce or have gone through divorce need to know that there is indeed life after divorce and God can and still will use you even after the shame and embarrassment that you can’t even explain.
Yes, the TRUTH IS even after DIVORCE, God is the God of another chance.
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